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Choosing a Co-Mindfulness Partner
The practice of co-mindfulness begins by choosing a “co-mindfulness partner.” To successfully change our behavior, studies have shown that it’s best to start small and make our goal as specific as possible. And so, in co-mindfulness we start our practice with just one person. By doing so, we ensure that we practice co-mindfulness every time we are with them. Our partner becomes, in a sense, the designated time that we set aside each day for our practice.
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Your co-mindfulness partner should be someone you interact with frequently, preferably every day. Your partner could be a co-worker, child, parent, sibling, friend. Which relationship in your life needs your care and attention right now? Is there someone with whom communication has broken down or there’s an unspoken feeling of tension? In what relationship are you feeling challenged?
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A common question is whether the person you’ve chosen needs to know that they’re your co-mindfulness partner. The short answer is no. Unless you want to invite your partner to practice co-mindfulness with you, there’s no need to tell them about your practice. If your partner senses a change in you and inquires about it, then feel free to let them know as much or as little about co-mindfulness as you feel comfortable sharing.
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“It takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow.”
Ralph Ellison
“All things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision. But as that decision is repeated, a habit sprouts and grows stronger. Roots entrench themselves and habits grow… The task of building a good habit is like cultivating a delicate flower one day at a time .”
James Clear
Putting the Principles into Practice
Once you’ve chosen your partner, read about the first principle and begin practicing it with them. You are free to practice the principles in any order you want, but it's best to start with the first principle “Giving Our Full Attention” and work your way down the list as each principle builds on the previous one. We recommend that you spend a week practicing each principle, meaning you should practice “Giving Our Full Attention” with your partner for 5 - 7 days before moving on to the next principle. Again, the intention is to practice the principle with your partner whenever you are with them. As you practice, you will want to observe what effect the principle is having on them, you, and the dynamics of your relationship. Below the description of each principle are questions to deepen your engagement and awareness.
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Like meditation, exercise, or any other new habit you try to build, you will get as much out of your co-mindfulness practice as you put into it. Forming a new habit can take anywhere between 2 - 8 months so know you are on this co-mindfulness journey for a while. After 7 weeks of practicing the principles with your partner (factoring a week for each principle), you might want to choose a new co-mindfulness partner and practice with that person for 7 weeks. Keep practicing with different people – your spouse, child, co-worker, friend - until you start noticing yourself spontaneously resorting to the principles in your interactions with people. Are you becoming naturally more curious and attentive? Are you speaking up more and holding your integrity? Are you experiencing less judgment and more fulfillment in your relationships? Forming a new habit takes commitment and time. Don’t be too hard on yourself if one day you forget to practice or aren’t in the mood. The next day reaffirm your commitment and pick up where you left off. Co-mindfulness is a journey, not a destination.
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Star Eater, by aliriza (print available)
Forming a Co-Mindfulness Club
Maybe all this talk of practicing is starting to dampen your enthusiasm. If so, consider forming "a co-mindfulness club" to shore up your resolve and have fun while you practice. Increasing the love and intimacy we experience in our relationships doesn’t need to be a chore or something we shoulder alone. It can be an enlivening adventure that we embark on with others who share our values. So, consider inviting a couple of close friends who might benefit from co-mindfulness to practice with you and grow your circle of compassion while you practice.
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“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Keeping a Journal
Self-awareness is the key to personal growth and change, which is why spending 10-15 minutes a day writing down your reflections and observations while practicing co-mindfulness can be so powerful. Carving out time to reflect on your experience, what you noticed about your partner, insights you had about certain thoughts or behaviors that are preventing you from deeply connecting with others can be the difference between practicing and deep lasting change. Journaling allows you to take a step back and notice the stories you’ve been telling yourself. Freely writing down what comes up for you will help you root out the stories and patterns of thinking that are causing you and your relationships more harm than good. Journaling is your opportunity to draft a different story.
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Journaling will also help you hold yourself accountable to your practice. Keeping a journals signals that you are serious about your relationships and interpersonal growth. You’re not just going to give co-mindfulness a try and see where it takes you. With a journal, you’re getting behind the wheel and taking control of your journey. Keeping a journal will also help you stay anchored in your practice when the demands of everyday life start to clamor for your attention and time.
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No one can know your heart better than you. No one else can take on the task of your self-creation other than you.
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It’s up to you.
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"When you journal, you’re giving yourself a voice, allowing yourself to be heard while listening.”
Denise Beaulieu
by Anna Kiraly
Vegan Leather Journal,